Insecurity – Why did I do that?

I think that a lot of the things that I’ve done could be classified under the “why did I do that category”. For example, why am I so concerned about the way I look when I go out to the store? Or why do I make sure to kiss my wife every time before I leave? As to the first question I worry about what people might think about me because of how I dress. I guess I’m insecure about my choices when it comes to dressing properly when I go into the public. I know my wife will point out some of the odd things I put on when I’m ready to go somewhere. Or when I used to work, my assistant was also point out some obvious wardroom oddities. So after a while, even though both these people have my best interest in mind, I wondered about my choices and become insecure. As to the second question I want to make sure my wife knows that I love her. I know that when I used to teach or give a speech I would begin to worry about my performance and again feel insecure. I’ve never considered myself to have a weak personality or a week will, but there are some things that bring an insecure feeling to me. I don’t think that I doubt myself more than I feel secure. Those insecure feelings have made me do some things I still wonder about to day.

For example, I believe that I have a strong personality and very clear opinions about life, happiness and family. Unfortunately, I have been divorced twice. Both times my children from each of the marriages lived with her mothers and not with me. I was able to visit my children every other weekend and they would stay with me for several weeks during the summer and Christmas school breaks. I never missed child-support payment or the opportunity to see my children on unscheduled dates. I worked hard to let my children know that I love them. I thought then that I was a good father. But as the children grew on into adulthood I found myself wondering if I was a good father. Is their memory of me, for that time in their life, a good memory? Did they then and do they now think that I was a good father? What brings that on this insecurity? They have done nothing to indicate that I was not a good father, but my insecurity about divorce and not being in their life all the time still haunts me today.

I also am haunted by insecurity when it comes to what my mom and dad thought of me. My mom and dad are no longer with us. But during the time that I grew up my family, they were not the kind of family that express their feelings very easily. And so as they are both gone, I found myself wondering what they thought of me. It’s crazy because they were never negative when talking to me or did I ever hear from another source that they were not proud of me. But I still wonder.

I think insecurity has played a large part in my life. Maybe this is why I strive so hard to get different certifications and degrees. I got my associates arts degree and bachelor degree while working full-time and raising my family. It did not make any difference at my work as to whether I had a degree or not. But it was my way of showing others that I had worth. I wanted to be proud of myself, I want my family be proud of me and I wonder others to be proud of me. So I thought that getting different degrees would accomplish this. I even went back to college when I was 55 and got a master’s degree. This did not to get me a promotion at work nor did it secure my job. It was another effort by me to show my worth. One would think by the time I was 55 years old I would be incredibly secure. But I found myself with the lingering feeling of insecurity even then. And now that I’m 66 and not working, I again fight the insecurity of what people would think of me. I don’t have a job. My mirror reminds me that I am aging and not so gracefully.

That brings me to the insecurity of what my wife thinks of me. She is always been a supporter and constantly reminds me that she loves me and she is proud of me. But when I look in the mirror or step on a scale my insecurity makes me start to wonder if she still proud of me and that she still want me. There’s no reason or rhyme to why this feeling of insecurity continues to happen in my life. I do not think that it drives all my actions or defines who I am. Maybe it’s a good thing to feel insecure and then. I know it is driven me to constantly try to improve myself. I make sure that my children and their children know that I am proud of them and I love them. I make sure that my wife knows that I love her and that I’m proud of her. I am conscious of how I look and so even in this “retirement” phase of my life I remind myself to do small things, like shave in the morning put on clean close every day. I think it is easy when you’re not working and at home all the time, to forget how to keep yourself looking good for those around you. I continue to work on projects for my own personal reasons but I’m quick to show them off to my family and effort to make sure that they are still proud of me. Do not mistake this blog as my getting weak or to get attention. I am fine and feeling good. This is just another thought to examine.

So today’s thought is about insecurity. I think that it is both a good thing and a bad thing. So when you read this blog look at your own life. I think you’ll find moments or phases of your life that insecurity affected you. I know that one of the reasons that I’ve taken to writing a blog is to help me face my insecurities and then go on in life and be happy. I’m lucky that I’m supporting this effort by my wife and children.

Pops

One thought on “Insecurity – Why did I do that?”

  1. Huzzah! My insecurities have help to build me into who I am and I am proud of that and proud of you. Another good post Pops.

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